Super-Woman
===========
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
woman.
With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs,
out the back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard
and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to
cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever
you have to."

I AM A FATHER
=============
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a
priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't
wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and
answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4
girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. The
priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went
back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and
said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."

Dear IRS
========
There was a man who computed his taxes for 2001 and
discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his
payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2001 Tax Return & payment. Please take
note of the attached article from the USA Today
newspaper.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is
paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00
for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400)
and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please
note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the
"Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my
return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned
fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD
paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year,
and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A SATISFIED TAX PAYER

Arthur Davidson died...
=======================
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told
Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed
the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in
Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God
said, "Ah, yes." "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional,
you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4.. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,

5.. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God
said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding
my invention than yours.

Christian Pet
=============
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a
dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch
the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look
up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with
dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and
went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their
new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the
dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was
able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped
the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced
the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Macho Guy
=========
A really large macho guy is just about dying of thirst.
The only bar around is a gay leather bar.
"Hell with it," he thinks. "I ain't afraid of no fairies."
He goes in, sits down, and thunders in his best gay-bashing
voice, "I need somethin' to drink! I'm so damn thirsty I'd
lick the sweat off a bull's balls to wet my whistle!"
A huge leather-clad guy, twice his size, grabs him by the
back of the neck and says, "Moo moo, buckeroo... I say,
moo moo!"

Elderly Ladies
==============
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in
Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12
years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,
"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all
these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just
can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing
for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do
you have to know?"

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY?
=============================
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Disorder in the Court
=====================
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" These are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year
_______________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in
at moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_________________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've
forgotten?
___________________________________________

Q: How old is your son; the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Kathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_________________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
_________________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
________________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old; how old is he?
________________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_______________________________________________

Q: She had three children,right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?
_______________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

_________________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice that I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.
_________________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.
_________________________________________________

Sweater
=======

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked
how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course,
meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
links.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife
such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the
cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says " Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
the manual."

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like
they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
whispered in my wife's ear and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and
she said, 'take a sweater'."


Not a dirty word is used
========================

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a
son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker,
you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son
of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!


Three Poodles
=============

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets
office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the
other is a Great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are
you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old.
I don't see or hear very well. I've been having
accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and
sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately.
I've been especially high strung.
I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at
people and I even bit one of the neighbour's kids.
Nobody knows why this has been happening.
My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so
he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The poodle and schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is
here. The Great Dane responds: "My owner is this
beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around
the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up
something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when
nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of
her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "
The poodle asks: "so your owner brought you here to be
put to sleep?"
The Great Dane says: "No, I'm just here to get my nails
trimmed."

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