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The Shopping Review's
Humor Department |
1 Stop Cop
===========
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for
speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the
farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw
his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at
some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle
flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said -
"Well, yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of
circle flies".
So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common
on farms. See, they're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back
end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "
Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a
horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to
even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and
goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool
them flies though."
Gone Fishing
============
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has
just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the
opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my
fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home
in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk
pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle
box!"
Baseball Fanatics
=================
Pat and Mike are two 75 year old baseball fanatics. In fact, they go
to just about every Cubs home game. One day, Mike was in a rather
philosophical mood and asked Pat if he thought baseball is played in
heaven. Pat replied, "I don't know, but someday we may find out.
"Sad to say, the next day Pat died.
Several months later, as Mike was reading the sports section in the
newspaper at his kitchen table, the ghost of Pat appears to Mike.
Mike asks, "Is that you, Pat?""It's me all right."Mike then asks Pat,
"I gotta know - is baseball played in heaven?
"Pat replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news regarding that
question.
"Mike says, "Tell me the good news
"Pat says, "The good news is yes, baseball is played in heaven.
"Mike then says, "Now tell me the bad news.
"Pat says, "The bad news is you are the starting pitcher on my team
tomorrow."
Three salesmen
==============
Three salesmen are on the way home from a sales conference when their
car suddenly packs in. They walk to the nearest roadside inn and decide
there and then that they'll all just stay there for the night.
They walk up to the reception desk, and the first salesman says, "Three
single rooms for the night, please."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry sir, all that we have left is one
king-size room with one king-size bed."
"Okay," says the first salesman, "shall we all just share, in that
case?"
No-one else has any problem with that, so they all accept the room and
go to bed, and, due to the tiring nature of that day's conference, fall
asleep straight away.
The next morning they all wake up together.
"Oh my God!" screams the first one. "I'm so fucking embarrassed...I
dreamt i was being jerked off by this gorgeous woman, and I've actually
come in the bed!"
The third guy, over on the other side of the bed, pipes up too. "Me as
well! I had that same dream, and I've gone all over the place too!"
Turning to the guy in the middle, he looks at him and asks "What about
you? Surely all 3 of us couldn't have had the same dream?"
"Oh no, " declares the guy in the middle. "I had a nice dream that I was
skiing..."
Guinea Pigs
===========
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick
pig, and the brick pig. One day, this nasty old wolf came up to the
straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff, and puff, and blow your
house down."
So he did!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said
"Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!" So the stick
pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm going
to Huff and puff and blow your house down!"
And he did!
So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's
house and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're
scared!!!" So the brick pig let them in.
The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm going to huff, and puff, and
blow your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig
and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone
and called a friend. A few minutes passed, and all of a sudden this
big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin
striped suits and fedoras.
The huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck, and
proceeded to beat the crap out of him. One of them pulled out a gun,
and fired into the wolf's mouth. Then they left the wolf for dead, got
back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and the stick pig
were amazed!!!
They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"
And the brick pig answered, "Oh, those were my cousins.....the Guinea
Pigs.
Don't Argue With Children
=========================
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated,
the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
First Day At School
===================
Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited
in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he
realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be
excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to
be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate
and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to
where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find
it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on
his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and
says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at
the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they
both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks
Tommy "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his
reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards
Spitting Image
==============
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which
side to spit on!
Cowboys
=======
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the
trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar,
drinking a beer and talking about the current cow prices.
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at
her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs
his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her
back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to
breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and
takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind
Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."
Tea with the Queen
==================
While visiting England, Bill Clinton is invited to
tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership
philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself
with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says
the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony
Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer
this question: "Your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the
Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr.
Clinton?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using
that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better
put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations
Committee to the test.
He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says,
"Senator Helms, I wonder if you'd mind answering a
question for me?"
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think
about it and get back to you?"
Clinton agrees and Helms leaves. Helms immediately
calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators,
and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in
desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. "Now look here,
son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you
idiot."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House
and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it
is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Clinton replies in disgust, "Wrong, Senator.
It's Tony Blair."
Humor Page
1, Humor
Page 2, Humor Page 3, Humor
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