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The Shopping Review's
Humor Department |
Flat Tummy
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A little boy walks into his parents'room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother
replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to
get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the
boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping
the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right
back up."
Making Of The World
===================
When the Creator was making the world, He called man aside and bestowed
upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! "Only 20 years!"
he complained. But the Creator didn't budge. That was all He would grant
him.
Then He called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20
years," said the monkey, "10 is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "Can't I
have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.
Then the Creator called the lion and gave him 20 years. The lion said he
desired only 10 years. Again, man asked, "Can't I have the other 10
years?" "Of course," roared the lion.
Then came the donkey. He, too, was given 20 years and like the others said
10 years was all he needed. Man asked again for the spare 10 years and
again received them.
This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of
monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making an ass of
himself.
Chair Beat
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You
can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then
you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the
same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I
tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.
The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a
few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded
with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Vase
====
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down
the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead
happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, 'Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying
me flowers again.'
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You
don't like getting flowers?'
The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he
always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I
just don't feel like spending the next three days on
my back with my legs in the air.'
The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?
Obstetrics and Gynecology
=========================
A new young MD was starting his residency in
Obstetrics and Gynecology. He was somewhat embarrassed
performing pelvic exams and had unconsciously formed a
habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment.
The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed
him.
He snapped "just what is so funny?"
She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were
whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner."
Wedding
=======
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took
place at Clemson University. It was in the local
newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After
the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on
stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said
he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family
and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such
a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted
to give everyone a special gift just from him. So
taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the
wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was
his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their
envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of
his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had
gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
decided to hire a private detective to tail them just to
verify this.
After just standing there, just watching the guests'
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the
best man and said, "F--- you"; he turned to his bride
and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the
morning. While most people would have canceled the
wedding immediately after finding out about the
affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as
if nothing were wrong.
His revenge ... making the bride's parents pay the
$32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and
best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of 300 friends and family
members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless"
commercial outta this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends...................................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
events....................................$3,000.
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui......................................$8,500
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10
glossy of the bride humping the Best
man.......................................PRICELESS!!
There are some things money can't buy; for everything
else, there's MASTERCARD!!!
Humor Page 1,
Humor Page 2,
Humor Page 3,
Humor Page 4
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