If you think life is bad.....
=============================
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
Only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys
But worst of all..
the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!
So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!

Bear and Bunny
==============
A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit.
The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have
problem of shit sticking to you fur"?
The bunny says "No"
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass

Multi-letter agencies
=====================
Almost 150 years. ago, President Lincoln found it
necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan
Pinkerton - for protection. That was the beginning of
the Secret Service. Since that time federal police
authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter
agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now
comes the "Federal Air Transportation Airport
Security Service." Can't you see them now, these
highly trained men and women in their black outfits
with their initials in large white letters across
their backs: "FATASS." I feel safer already.

At the nursing home
===================
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the
time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old.
"When you're seventy, you can't even have a bowel
movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the
worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year- old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee
like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement ?"
"No, I go every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let
me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00
and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30. So
what's so tough about being 80?"
The 80-year-old replied, "I don't wake up until 7:00."

Jesus and Satan
===============
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about
who was better on his computer. They had been going at
it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the
bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to
set up a test which will take two hours and I will
judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before1 the time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the
rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every
curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of
them restarted their computers. Satan started
searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's
all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all
his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this
and became even more irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"
(You'll love the punch line....)
God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves"

Short and sweet
===============
Why did the blonde have bruises around her belly button?
Because her boyfriend was blonde too!

Superman
========
Two guys are in a bar. Suddenly the first guy says, "hey i bet i
can jump off that bridge, float for a few seconds, then safely climb
back onto the bridge." the secod guy says, "really? that's amazing."
So both guys go outside to the edge of the bridge and the first guy
says, "now, watch and learn."
and with that, he jumps of the bridge, floats there in midair for a
few minutes, then climbs safely back on the bridge. he tells
the first guy, "See? i'm back on the bridge in one piece. now let's
see you do that."
So the second guy jumps off the bridge. but instead of floating in
midair, like the first guy, he falls to his death. the first guy walks
back into the bar and orders another beer. the bartender looks at him,
shakes his head, and says, "Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!"

Liquor
======
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Liquor
Manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
Warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your UNDERWEAR .
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not. (This would be me, although I rarely whisper!)
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex- lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible or, worse, bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum,
whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe real
gode

Slogans pt1
===========
So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy.
God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.
At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...
I Just Can't Remember It All.
My Mother Is A Travel Agent for Guilt Trips.
I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me to Do.
(Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah.
If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount.
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman").
I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things are Just Better Rich.
Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money.
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
IRS--Be Audit You Can Be.
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen.
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt.
If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You.
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

Jokes
=====
Want to hear a dirty joke? Jimmy fell in the mud
Want to hear a clean joke? Jimmy took a bath with bubbles in it
Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

Diving
======
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no
scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20
feet, and the guy joined him a few minutes later. The
diver went below 25 feet, and minutes
later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof
chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able
to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver
had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

The After Life
===============
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other of the after life. The
woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and
true to his word he made contact.
"Mary... Mary.... "
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have
breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have
sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
afternoon - supper-then sex till late at night, sleep
-then start all over again."
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.

Aging Mildred
=============
Aging Mildred was a 75-year-old woman who was getting more and more
despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart, since it was so badly broken anyway.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the local hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.

The Biggest Lies In The World
=============================
+ It's a good thing you came in today. It's the last one we have.
+ I promise to pay you back on my next paycheck.
+ You made it yourself? I would have never guessed.
+ Your hair looks just fine.
+ It's delicious but I can't eat another bit.
+ Go ahead and tell me, I won't tell another sole.
+ The doctor will call you right back.
+ You don't look a day over 50.
+ Your baby is just beautiful.
+ Put the map away. I know where we're at.
+ Having a great time. Wish you were here.

Bush and leaves
===============
There was a koala bear, who was approached by a prostitute one day.
He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, the
koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time.
The next morning, he went down on her, one last time before departing.
After he was done, the koala headed for the door and was about to
leave when the prostitute yelled, "Hey! What about my money?"
Confused, the koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging
his shoulders, and replied, "Huh?"
"Come here....." she said, and pulled a dictionary out of her purse.
She pointed to the word 'prostitute' and its definition, 'has sex
and gets paid.'
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to
the word koala and showed her its definition, 'eats bush and leaves.'

Lack Of IQ
===========
Jon was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper
during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress
who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for
his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll
never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

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